Dysfunctional Isn't Even Close
by Illienexis
Summary: The Vongola Family is chaotic enough, but what happens when a group of foreign kids happen to stumble on the scene? Various one-shots, might be connected. Rating bumped up for language!
1. Children and Cupcakes Are Disaster

Title: Children and Cupcakes Are Disaster

Pairings: Slight 2718 (no, you didn't read that wrong),

Rating: T

Summary: The Vongola Family is chaotic enough, but what happens when a group of foreign kids happen to stumble on the scene? Various one-shots, might be connected.

Warnings: Google Translate used, light shounen-ai/shoujo-ai/hetero themes randomness, OC's

o-o-o-o-o

Sawada Tsunayoshi, the tenth boss of the Vongola family, one of the most feared men in the whole damn mafia, was currently dumbfounded, as the kitchen seemed to be in a state of panic.

Well, panic was an understatement.

Le otto adottato, or the eight children, were currently running around the area frantically. Flour, icing, and what appeared to be batter was decorated on their bodies, along with some band-aids and bandages. Two first aid kits were seated on the table that suited six people, and a dark-skinned girl was currently wrapping what appeared to be a burn mark on her arm.

The brunette sighed, immediately letting the group know of his presence. The kids looked at his with owlish eyes, with the exceptions of Asura and Natasha, who put on their usual poker faces.

Tsuna cleared his throat. "What are you doing?"

Natasha seemed to have her mind set straight, and replied, "Well, we _were_ trying to clean before anyone came and found us here baking, but we _obviously_ failed. Anything else Decimo-san?"

The twenty-four year old twitched from the girl's blatantly obvious sarcastic tone. "Why are you baking?"

Tai jumped up from her place at the table, her bandages now fixed and wrapped. "Well, in America and some parts of Mexico, it's Cinco de Mayo today. Here, it's Children's Day or Hibari-sempai's birthday."

Tsuna's eyes widened at the words, 'Shit, I nearly forgot!' Asura smirked knowingly at him, as if he could read his mind. "I guess the stories about 'Dame-Tsuna' that Reborn-san told me were true." The brunette shot a glare at the indigo-haired male.

The albino girl across the room snorted, walked over, and cuffed him on the head.

"Ah, fuck! Don't hit me!" Asura hissed. The Decimo smiled warmly at the female before saying, "Thank you Natasha." Said female smirked proudly before returning to clean.

"Herbivores. Why are you crowding here?" A baritone voice rang from the entrance.

The occupants in the room turned towards the source of the voice, noticing that an irritated Hibari Kyouya was occupying the doorway.

However, instead of a twenty-six year old, they were facing a rather irritable sixteen year old. Antonio, who was mopping the floor, whistled lewdly, which got him a death glare from three male in the room. Tsuna blinked, then smirked. "Why Kyou-chan, what are you doing here?"

Kyouya scowled. "The baby had me test the 'upgraded' bazooka. If anything goes wrong, I will bite all of you to death."

Tai leaned over towards her twin and whispered, "Is he on his period?"

Antonio promptly facepalmed and muttered, "You're a dumbass..."

Tsuna picked up a cupcake that seemed to be safe to eat. It was decorated to look like a lavender and periwinkle dahlia flower, and it looked rather beautiful. He held it towards the younger male.

"Wouldn't you like to share this with me?"

"I hate sweets, omnivore. No."

"Really? Then should we go do something else...something more pleasurable?"

The raven haired male's eyes widened, and the Decimo quickly used this to his advantage. he scooped up the younger male, completely forgetting the cupcake that he unceremoniously tossed over his shoulder, and fled the room.

"..." The eight kids in the room were silent, motionless, until:

"Hey Asu-chan, you want me to help you get that frosting off your body?"

"Fuck off Antonio!"

o-o-o-o-o-o

A/N: And there you have it. Yes, rushed, AGAIN. And, the OC's are supposed to be foreign, as they are adopted. :)


	2. The 'P' Word Is Spoken

Title: The 'P' Word Is Spoken, And Xianna is Obsessive

Pairings: Oc/Oc, light 2718, one-sided Oc/Hibari, implied 6984, RL and 8059

Rating: M...?

Summary: The Vongola Family is chaotic enough, but what happens when a group of foreign kids happen to stumble on the scene? Various one-shots, might be connected.

Warnings: Google Translate used, light shounen-ai/shoujo-ai/hetero themes, randomness, OC's, swearing, sexual themes

A/N: Intro to Xianna this chappie~ Oh, and this was inspired by the creepy kids at my school who were talking about...well, you'll see. And, because Xianna's in this chapter, the rating will get bumped up to M. Because he's just _that _badass. Oh, and **I don't own KHR, I own the OC's, and this is the morning after the last chapter.**

-o-o-o-o-o-o

Natasha woke up that morning feeling...odd, to say the least. Then, the rather annoying headache came, and when she started to get out of bed, she felt something warm come down her legs.

She blinked. Once. Twice.

Fuck.

-o-o-o-o-o

Antonio wasn't in a very good mood this morning. With his little lover pissed at him (it wasn't his fault that the indigo-haired male was so...eager last night!), his sister off training with Gokudera (who was limping today, thanks to Yamamoto), and Natasha going off to train with Basil (who was also limping, thanks to Mukuro), he had nothing to do.

Well, he could see if Xianna or Cassie were busy...and decided against it. It would be too weird to hang with Xianna, and Cassie was not an option, seeing as she was around Kyoko and Haru all the time, and he did _not _need to be dressed like an idiot.

As if luck was on his side, Natasha stumbled into the room, seemingly dazed. Following her happened to be Asura (who was considerably less pissed, he noted.) and Xianna, who was seemingly half-asleep, seeing as a result of his experiments, he could sleepwalk.

"So...what's up?" Antonio asked nervously. He had no clue what kind of mood his lover was in, and with the crazy mauve-haired male also in the room, the chances of him getting killed were rather high.

Natasha rolled her eyes. "Well, expect me to have mood-swings. It's _that_ time for me." The other occupants in the room (excluding Zianna) nodded. After all, they had spent a few years in imprisonment with each other, so there were no secrets between them. Even their personal buisness was in the clear. It was kind of sad that there was no part of each other's past they didn't know. _None._

"And..." She continued, "How come nearly everyone last night got laid!"

Asura, who was drinking milk, immediately made a small noise before milk spewed from his nose, his face as red as Gokudera's flame. The brunette immediately went to save his little lover, who quickly forgot his anger in favor of saving his own life.

And yet, Xianna was still asleep. Still.

"W-what makes you think-" The indigo haired male started, before the albino chose to interrupt him.

"Well, the younger Hibari-sempai is still here, and he's limping. 'Dera's limping, Basil...knowing Mukuro, he'll be limping, and I heard Lambo screaming from downstairs last night. And, we all know how you two spent last night together. So, that's like 5 cases of UNF right there."

Asura, who had his breath back (although his face was still that lovely shade of red) questioned, "What's UNF?"

Natasha smirked. "According to my sources, it means, Universal Noise of _Fucking_."

Antonio began to laugh, which caused Xianna to crack open an eye and mutter, "You bastards could all be in a fucking porno."

Antonio quickly stopped laughing and became deadly silent. Then, the dark-skinned male shakily said, "You said the p-word."

The mauve-haired male raised a brow. "The _p-word?_ What the fuck are you talking about now, spineless?"

Asura rolled his eyes. "He's talking about porn. Apparently it's a bad word." The other male snorted. "So? People watch porn all the time. Some people say it's the shit these days...if you can't have sex, that is."

Antonio slammed his head onto the table. "I DON'T LIKE PORN, DAMMIT!" He shouted.

"..."Lambo cursed his luck at the moment. He just _had_ to be the one that walked into a conversation like this.

Xianna smirked. "I rather like porn, and I'm not a bitch like you. I'm surprised you can pound Asura into the mattress."

Asura sent a sharp look in the other's direction until Antonio replied, "Well, at least I can actually get laid. You've been pining over Hibari Kyouya, and you _know_ he won't even look at you that way. You're _so_ pathetic in that case. No wonder you like porn."

Lambo groaned, letting the others know of his presence. Why did _he_ have to find out that one of the most terrifying kids in his life was in love with _the_ scariest person _ever_?

Natasha waved at the teen. "Oh, look. Lambo's here. How's your ass today?"

-o-o-o-o-o

Upstairs, everyone was awakened by the loud wail the cow had given for someone to shut those evil children up.

-o-o-o-o-o

OMAKE:

"...Hey, Natasha?"

"What?"

"Do you have any...you know access to the cameras or anything?"

"I could sneak away during training. Or wait until Mukuro shows up and distracts Basil. Why?"

"I want the usual."

"Did you get the other photos dirty? _Again?_"

"Shut the fuck up. I can't resist seeing Hibari getting pounded into the mattress, even if it isn't by me."

"...Xi, you are sick. But, I like that about you, so it's okay. Just remember..."

"If anyone asks, we aren't affiliated."

"Right."

"...The pictures?"

"I'm on it!"

-o-o-o-o-o-o

A/N: **There is a poll coming up. **Once I introduce all the kids (well, teens actually) I will hold a poll to find your favorite, and I will write their backstory first. Then it'll go to the next one, and the next...so, look out! And vote! Later~


	3. Cats, Comics and Kyouyas Will Attack

Title: Cats, Comics and Kyouyas Will Attack

Pairings: Oc/Oc, one-sided Oc/Hibari, implied 2718, 6984, RL and 8059

Rating: T, for swearing.

Summary: The Vongola Family is chaotic enough, but what happens when a group of foreign kids happen to stumble on the scene? Various one-shots, might be connected.

Warnings: Google Translate used, light shounen-ai/shoujo-ai/hetero themes, randomness, OC's, swearing, sexual themes

A/N: Cassie, Tai, Q.T., Mosshu and Revca make appearances in this one! I was rather proud of this one, and, I put a song reference in here. Some character bashing, OC bashing, and Uri. Because Uri needs (his? her?) own warning. **I don't own KHR, I own the OC's.**

o-o-o-o-o-o-o

"YAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!"

"What the fuck was that?" Xianna questioned. His younger brother Revca glanced at the front door from his seat on the sofa, then shrugged.

Natasha rolled her eyes. "It's probably Lambo; God knows what he's done now." A flying book connected with the albino's head. "SHIT! WHO THE HELL THREW THAT AT ME!" She shouted.

Antonio pointed at Asura, who pointed at Xianna, who pointed at Revca, who silently pointed to Q.T., who flipped a bird to all the male occupants in the room.

Just then, the front doors slammed open, and a short, small, raven-haired child ran in screaming his lungs out. Uri, the lovable cat, ran in after him, but had a...oddly happy expression on his face.

"..." The group was quiet, wondering what the hell the small boy did to piss off the cat...or its owner.

"_Wow_. Just, _wow_. No words can explain this." Antonio muttered in shock. Asura nodded in agreement, looking at the direction the child went. "I hope he's alright."

"OWWWWW! _SANTO MIERDA QUE DUELE COMO UNA PERRA!"_

"Well, seems like Mo's remembering the Spanish we taught him," Tai chirped happily.

Cassie, who was sitting on the other side of the room squeaked, jumped up, and ran after Mosshu while clutching her first aid kit that Kyoko and Haru gave her.

"When the hell did she bring that shit in?" Xianna questioned. The smaller mauve-haired male shrugged and went back to drawing his comic.

The elder, seemingly interested, leaned over to look at his younger siblings sketches, before his eyes widened. He got up from his seat, and ran from the room. Revca looked at his brother, glanced at his comic, and bit his lip. He hurriedly dashed after his brother, sketchbook forgotten.

The four remaining occupants glanced at the hall the duo disappeared behind, until Q.T. said, "Why the hell are we pausing every ten seconds nowadays? I swear, this is that jackass Hibari's fault and-"

"Herbivores. Why are you crowding? _Again?_" Well, speak of the devil. Or, in this case, the vampire that didn't sparkle.

Q.T. raised a brow, while Asura glared and pulled out his kusarigama. Antonio, who was sitting beside him, visibly paled. "W-where did you get that from?"

The indigo-haired male smiled, however, it had a rather carnivorous tilt to it. "I stashed this in the couch after we sat down."

"Enough talk herbivores. You will all be bitten to death," Hibari calmly stated. Asura and Q.T. leaped up, weapons drawn, itching for a fight.

"Bring it on."

o-o-o-o-o-o-o

"Mo, _really_. How did you not know that was cat nip?"

The child sniffled. His small, fragile body was littered with light cuts and dark bruises in random areas. "Levi told me it was baby powder!"

Cassie twitched. 'That creep...'

"Well, you'll be okay now that you're cleaned up and the scent's off you! And, I'm sure the cuts aren't that bad or deep, so you'll be okay. The bruises might take a bit longer to heal so-"

She was cut off my a small murmur from Mosshu, whos face was hidden by his bangs. The elder girl gently pushed the multi-colored bangs from his face. 'I wonder why he dyed his bangs red and white...?'

"I want...revenge, Cassie-okaa-san. And I will get my revenge, and..._Voy a hacer esto con mi morir voluntad de!"_

While the small boy was running down the hall like he was on crack, Cassie sighed to herself. "That poor, stupid, creep..."

o-o-o-o-o-o

A/N: Nyahahahaha! I used translations! I feel so proud! As to why Mosshu calls Cassie 'Okaa-san': Mo was born and raised in the familiga that they were rescued/adopted from, and he reconized Cassie as his mother, and he called Asura his Oto-san or Tou-san, which means father.

And, translations:

1. _**SANTO MIERDA QUE DUELE COMO UNA PERRA!**_ = HOLY SHIT THAT HURT LIKE A BITCH !

2. _**Voy a hacer esto con mi morir voluntad de!**_ = I will do this with my dying will!

Also, tell me if they're wrong, so I can fix them. And, I shall put up an omake that will be the whole next chapter. It'll tell you about the fight, Mo's revenge, and what happened with the two siblings. Until next time!


	4. Bananas, Bruises, and Bakas, Oh My!

Title: Bananas, Bruises, and Bakas, Oh My!

Pairings: Oc/Oc, one-sided Oc/Hibari, implied 2718, 6984, RL and 8059

Rating: T, for swearing.

Summary: The Vongola Family is chaotic enough, but what happens when a group of foreign kids happen to stumble on the scene? Various one-shots, might be connected.

Warnings: Google Translate used, light shounen-ai/shoujo-ai/hetero themes, randomness, OC's, swearing, sexual themes

A/N: Well, I'm rather pleased with this. 8D I was soooo stuck on exactly what to do for revenge until today. And my finals are over! WHOOOO! *coughs* Sorry, my bad. Anyways, onto the chapter!

-o-o-o-o-o

"What the fuck were you thinking?"

The door slammed behind the taller sibling, while the younger cowered beside the bed. The room was dark, the moon illuminating the room and giving their pale skin a heavenly glow.

But one look into the elders eyes showed nothing but promises of pain, torture, and pure hell.

"Why the fuck would you even draw us like that! I told you, it's never right! You shouldn't have fell for me in the first place!" Xianna growled.

Revca's eyes began to fill with tears. "I'm sorry aniki...I love you..."

The taller mauve haired-male must have heard, because he began to throw things in the room, occasionally breaking items and cursing.

"X-xianna, I-"

"Fuck, sometimes I think it would have been better to let you die there!"

At those words, a pang of anguish ripped through the smaller teen. "Y-you...I-I can't...why?" Revca began to shake uncontrollably, and his breathing became quicker. Xianna glanced at his brother, slightly nervous.

"T-then I-I-I'll d-die t-th-this t-t-t-time, a-and y-you'll b-b-be fr-free of m-m-me." The shaking was getting worse, and the small child began to hyperventilate.

Xianna immediately ran across the room towards his younger siblings, only to be pushed away by shaking hands.

"L-l-l-et m-m-m-me g-go t-th-this o-o-once..." An arm dropped limply at his side.

"B-b-b-but I-I-I-I st-st-still..." His eyes slowly began to close.

"L-l-l-love...y-you..." And then, he stilled.

"TSUNA!"

-o-o-o-o-o-o

"Hahi! I can't believed you survived a fight with Hibari-san!"

"I wasn't even involved!" A voice whined.

"Still, that was very brave of you to protect your lover and sister like that," Kyoko added.

Antonio blushed a bit at the statement. He, along with Asura, Q.T., Natasha, Haru, Kyoko and Tai, were sitting in the infirmary. The younger four were, predictably getting their wounds treated after getting their asses handed to them.

Courtesy of Hibari Kyouya.

Asura pouted. "Yeah, he was pretty awesome and all. But I still did great!"

Q.T. nodded enthusiastically. "Yeah, more training and we can beat the crap out of him!"

"Lie," Natasha muttered. Q.T. glared at the albino. "Excuse me?"

"Lie," The white-haired female repeated. "As in, that's a lie. A 'little' training won't make us worthy to beat the Vongola Cloud. Hell, we might _barely_ beat Lightning."

"Well, to beat him, we just pour his milk carton down the toilet. Simple win for us!" Tai exclaimed. Haru grinned. "I bet if you make something they can't resist and not give it to them, then you might win!"

Thus, the two females began to strategize on how to beat the Vongola...with cake.

Kyoko could only laugh.

o-o-o-o-o

Levi was having a normal day. It included being insulted by Fran, worshiping Xanxus, and getting kicked and screamed at by Squalo. Ah yes, a normal day indeed.

Until he tripped over a banana peel.

It was rather random, as usually there wasn't food laying around Varia HQ. Levi wondered if the maids had cleaned the hallway yet, got back up, and continued to walk.

Until he slipped again.

And again.

_And again._

And he walked in the same hall twice, and tripped three times.

How was that possible?

And all the time, he heard someone going, "Nyahahahahahahaha!"

It just wasn't his day.

o-o-o-o-o

A/N: Okay, and that's it! Now, Revca has a problem with anxiety and abandonment, and he'll react the same way he did here. Only thing is, the first time it happened, Xianna was able to calm him down before he passed out. But, the situation's different here. So, I'll see you all later! Ja ne~


	5. It's a bird, it's a plane, it's Squalo?

Title: It's a bird, it's a plane, it's...a Squalo?

Pairings: No major hints in this chappie.

Rating: T, for swearing. And Mo.

Summary: The Vongola Family is chaotic enough, but what happens when a group of foreign kids happen to stumble on the scene? Various one-shots, might be connected.

Warnings: CRACK, light shounen-ai/shoujo-ai/hetero themes, randomness, OC's, swearing

A/N: Okay, I'm not explaining things twice, but there's an important update on my profile for my stories for a little while. Anyways, this idea came to me from a weird source. My dog. :3 So, enjoy the crack! And I don't know if swallows can be silver, but whatever.

o0o0o0o

Mosshu was happily playing in the gardens of the Vongola mansion with Jirou, who seemed to be having fun chasing after a baseball the younger hit.

The raven giggled at the exuberant puppy, and his thoughts wondered to his recent plot of revenge. Well, mostly his peers reaction.

The main family, in his opinion would find out sooner of later, and Mosshu personally thought later was better.

Xianna simply scoffed at his efforts, saying they were too childish for him to be impressed. Mosshu tried to argue that he was pressed for time, but the mauve-haired male wouldn't hear it. Frustrated, the child told the teenager to grow up and stop internally killing his brother.

Needless to say, the raven had a nasty bruise on his cheek from the remark.

Tai had pouted and complained on how she wanted to help prank Levi. Then, she made him promise to shave off his eyebrows next time there was an issue, and she'd tattoo the words, "Xanxus' wannabe bitch" on his forehead.

Antonio was too busy engrossed in a video game against Asura, who was easily kicking his ass. Asura actually listened and laughed at his story, and then agreed with Tai's suggestion.

Natasha was asleep. Revca said that she didn't sleep well last night, and that she was still tired that morning at breakfast.

And everyone knew that when you woke Natasha up from a nap when she's lacking sleep, you would die. "Because a sleep-deprived Nat equals a extremely pissed pregnant woman with a chainsaw," Antonio had said.

Just then, a loud noise snapped Mosshu out of his musings. But not any loud noise. It was a loud cry of "VOOOOOOOOOIIIIIIIIIIIIII!" That seemed to shake the trees.

And just at that very moment, a silver swallow flew by in the sky.

Now, a confused Mosshu makes mistakes. And Mosshu made a rather large one. Which led him to running in the mansion screaming at the tops of his lungs, "I SAW A SQUALO FLY IN THE SKY!"

The Vongola guardians facepalmed in confusion, while the younger group seemed to be laughing their asses off in understanding.


End file.
